TL;DR
A disability advocate recounts nearly abandoning his future husband after three dates because of unrecognized internalized ableism. Confronting bias against her partner's ADHD and his own cerebral palsy revealed that acceptance demands continuous self-examination rather than a single resolved choice. The experience demonstrates that people with disabilities can replicate the very stigma they have spent lifetimes resisting.
Key Takeaways
- Internalized ableism can lead people with disabilities to reject partners with differences in order to prove social worth to non-disabled observers and escape the stigma of association.
- The speaker's future husband disclosed ADHD-related traits across three dates, triggering visible panic rooted in internalized stigma rather than evidence of genuine incompatibility.
- Acceptance of disability and neurodifference requires ongoing self-examination rather than a single resolved decision, especially during periods of conflict, fatigue, or situational stress.
- The speaker previously rejected interested men with disabilities during his twenties and thirties to distance himself from disability stigma and carefully manage how non-disabled peers perceived her social value.
- Successful partnership across disability and neurodifference demands repeatedly checking assumptions and making room for divergent attention spans, mobility limits, energy cycles, and communication styles.
I almost walked out on my future husband after 3 dates (here's why)
I just got married a few weeks ago, and it was wonderful. We're happy. It took a few more years than I thought it would, but here I am married It almost didn't happen because I came this close to walk out on the man who became my husband after our third date, and I'm gonna tell you all about it. It's not about him being unlovable. It's about some bias that I had against disability, diversity, and differences, and I should know better 'cause I'm a lifelong person with disability.
The Three First Dates
We met in a pub, on the first night, he put everything on the table, a lot more than we usually share on a first date: his strengths, his weaknesses, his challenges.
Wow. It kinda took me by surprise. On the second date, he told me that he almost fell for a scam, then took his phone and showed me a TED Talk given by someone on the autism spectrum, and he told me, "I'm like her." I was, uh, taken aback, kind of panicking inside a little bit, trying not to judge.
On our third date, he was making a lot of awkward jokes about me, and when we got to his place, he started installing his printer, and I was there wondering why the focus should not be on our time together.
I almost walked out It's only later that we've learned that my husband has ADHD. It's not a disability, but it comes with some differences. He's very smart, but since his attention goes in many direction very rapidly, I'm not always getting, the kind of confirmation that he's paying attention that I'm used to having from other people.
Sometimes he can be forgetful or in an argument when I'm trying to make a point, he's already five steps ahead of me
Sometimes we do things together, and if he's not physically or mentally stimulated enough, he falls asleep. But it's not like he doesn't care. He is a wonderful, caring husband. I didn't leave because I knew that deep inside I was with a guy that has an enormous heart.
I have to admit that I didn't like discovering parts of myself irritated about differences.Because all my life I had to fight against other people's ableism when they, When because of my cerebral palsy, they would make wrong assumptions, they would not try to get to know me, or pity me
I remember when I was younger, I didn't give a chance to a few guys with disabilities who were really interested in me. And to be honest, it was because I was trying to prove that I was as good as a non-disabled person. I was trying to manage how I looked like in the minds of other people. I was trying to get the stigma of disability off of me, and I missed out on getting to know great guys, I'm sure.
Those things, they're all about ableism, and it hurts to realize that even for us people with disabilities, we have some of that internalized inside, and it gets in the way You don't have to prove your worth and your value to anybody. You are worth as much as anybody else, with or without a disability.
I was seeing that when I was in my 20s and 30s, but there were still parts of me that were acting out of internalized ableism. Now it's getting better. I'm 48 and I've learned a lot of things about myself
know in my heart that I don't have anything to prove anymore, and my stubborn head is starting to catch up now. But sometimes we've got those internalized wrong ideas about disability that make us still behave in ways we don't really realize. That's why we have to watch out for our own ableism and what it does to our possibilities.
But with my fiancé I tried to make room for differences, and it pays off. Sometimes when we're tired, stretched too thin, or really preoccupied with something, our differences might still cause a bit of tension. It's not only his, but mine too. I have mobility issues. We always need to check out if things are accessible before I go somewhere.
I need help to dress up. Sometimes I'm not as autonomous as I used to be.
We start learning that acceptance of who we are is not a once done deal, especially with ableism. You have to do it constantly, and you get better at it, especially when you ask yourself, "What kind of husband should I be?"
Well, I should be a husband that doesn't assume the worst when my husband is being quirky or when I think that his reactions are odd?
It's about remembering that I too am an odd bird who is different from the mainstream
I wonder Do you think that your own ableism is keeping you from getting to know people that would be great partners for you? Is that keeping you from giving connection a chance?
Frequently Asked Questions
How does internalized ableism affect dating choices for people with disabilities?
Internalized ableism pressures people with disabilities to reject partners who have disabilities or other differences in order to prove equal status to non-disabled society. The author admitted he rejected men with disabilities in his twenties and thirties because he wanted to escape the stigma of association and manage how others perceived her social value. This behaviour prioritizes external validation over genuine connection and prevents people from exploring relationships that might offer substantial compatibility and care.
What does Etienne mean by saying acceptance is not a "once done deal"?
Accepting disability and other differences requires continuous practice rather than a single resolved decision. Ableist assumptions resurface during fatigue, stress, or conflict, demanding renewed self-examination from both partners. He notes that his own mobility issues and her husband's attention differences require ongoing negotiation about accessibility, energy, and communication. Acceptance functions as a repeated behavioural choice to question assumptions rather than a permanent emotional state that resolves after initial commitment.
What accommodations does Etienne and his husband navigate together?
The couple navigates divergent needs across mobility and attention. Etienne requires advance accessibility checks for venues and occasional assistance with dressing due to cerebral palsy. His husband requires understanding when his attention shifts, when he falls asleep from low stimulation, or when he processes conversations at a different pace. Both partners must check assumptions rather than interpret these behaviors as rejection. The accommodations demand mutual patience and a framework that treats difference as expected rather than deficient.
How can people recognize their own ableism in romantic relationships?
People recognize internalized ableism by examining whether discomfort with a partner's differences stems from actual incompatibility or from fear of social judgment. Etienne identified his own uncomfortable bias by noticing that she panicked about her husband's ADHD not because he was cruel, but because his behavior seemed socially abnormal. He recommends asking whether reactions would change if society did not stigmatize disability or neurodifference. Persistent irritation at harmless differences often signals internalized stigma rather than genuine relationship conflict.
Etienne LeSage